Forgive me, my dear vocal chord.

Not long time ago I was struck by a very terrible stress. I had many stuff to do with little ‘me’ time for myself. I sang, sang, and sang like crazy, ignoring my health, and the worst case, neglected my one and only beloved vocal chord.

At first I had a very bad cold for quite sometime and getting worst because of those flying polen in the air and brought allergic and hay fever to me. It was right before I almost perform the Bachianas Brasileiras no. 5 with the Cello Group of Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra. I must admit that i was a bit overwhelmed and nervous at the same time. I wanted to do my best, impress them, and the most ambitious wish was to bring my high notes into perfection. I was a bit obsessed with this project and thought that staying at school practicing my high notes till late in the evening will assure my success in this ‘dream comes true’ concert. I was totally wrong.

Four days before my first rehearsal with them, I felt that something wrong with my throat and my voice. I remember that I forced to stay till late the day before to practice my high range, guess I cracked it. But still I did not realize anything serious. I came to their first rehearsal with very very terrible cold. The second one was better, as well the third one. When it came to the concert, I felt a bit unconfident. But I said to myself, it just something in my mind that I have to get rid of soon. Then the concert went fine, but still with lousy high notes. I reckon it was okay, yet need a bit of that, this, here, and there.

After that I went on with sponsorship concert which was 10 days after that concert. I ran to Rudolf Jansen and took lesson with him. Again I restrained my beautiful tiny vocal chord with 3,5 hours lesson non stop. I was so sure that I could survived. And I did. It was fine, the concert in Den Bosch was fine ( fine means okay, not fantastic). I was suddenly cried in the middle of ‘Kennst du das Land’ by Wolf, which made people even more attracted to my performance. I feel calmer after that and claimed it was my best recital performance ever whereas I missed some notes which usually I could sing them easily well. Henny, my singing teacher was there, and she did not say much. Yet I still did not realize much about it.

Five days after, I was already busy singing ‘Constance’ from Dialogue des Carmelites by Poulenc, opera project which held by Utrecht Conservatory. The rehearsals were quite intense, and I hardly missed any. Again I felt that something weird in my vocal chord. I took some days to rest, I even cancelled a concert which held by studio 32. ‘Three of four days will bring back my voice!’, that was what I think. But it did not come back just like that. Finally I still decided to sing on the concert. There were three performances in two days and I did it all. My high notes were not as good as when I rehearsed before and my low register was suddenly diminished and weak. But I kept optimistic. Then after that opera project, I right away had to sing the solo part of Mendelssohn Psalm 42 and The Company of Heaven. The rehearsals were only 2 times, but on the day itself, I practiced too much with the orchestra. Psalm 42 was fine to rehearse some times, but Britten, I definitely should have say no to the third run through. I am sure at that time my tiny vocal chord was starting to scream! Yet the concert went okay, was quite satisfied. I found a new insight about my high notes (finally!). I tried to be as calm as possible, not raising any shoulders to support the high notes like I usually did, and focus on the poise of my body. And it worked. Was quite happy even though my low register suddenly did not work properly again.

Finally it came the last minute performance. Oh I forgot to mentioned, before the Mendelssohn and Britten concert, I also sung in the chamber music marathon day with clarinet and piano, the famous ‘Der hirt auf dem Felsen’ by Schubert. It went well and made us chosen to sing in Radio 4, radio program for classical music, live from Spiegelzaal in Concertgebouw Amsterdam. I almost refused to sing, but I considered the others whom definitely wanted to play there as one life chance for them. Then two days after the Britten and Mendelssohn concert, I sang with them for the radio program. And guess what, It was a DISASTER. My voice was terribly tired, the slow movement part was so edgy and heavy. Then the allegro part was almost threw my vocal chord out of my throat. My throat was suddenly so dry and itching. I almost stop singing, but with the rest of the energy that I had, I kept singing till the end. And the audience screamed “Bravo”! I was relieved. So, it was not as bad as I thought. People still considered us quite fine, I thought. Though my throat was feel as it burns at that moment.

I went home and rest. The day after, I had a talk with Henny, and she was very dissapointed about my radio performance. She said that I sounded as if I never taught how to sing. I did not know how to react. Tears just came out like that automatically from my eyes. I knew it. Something has really gone wrong with my voice. However I stood there to defend my opinion about what was happening. All the last minutes performance request, all the sudden allergic which I never count on it to be happen. But true, you have to count the risk on whatever you are doing. It is part of the job in case you are getting sick. And I did not. I kept going on with my hecticness and think that I am a superwoman who could do everything and recover in only few days. No, I am totally wrong!

I have been too enthusiasthic about almost everything, every concert, helping people with exams, etc until I did not think about myself and my little vocal chord inside. I have been so mean to me, so to say.

I went to see Doctor Franken whom specialized in vocal chord and larynx problems. With a very small microscope he dived into my larynx and checked my vocal chord. He said the bottom parts were swollen. I had to take vocal rest for at least three weaks. No concerts, no singing, just quiet.Oh God, what a torture! He also recommended me to see a speech therapist in Utrecht. I right away called her. And I got an sudden enlightment.

After gone through some examinations and little bit of historical research about my singing, what food I’ve been consumed, it arrived into an interesting conclusion. I have been speaking in a wrong way for quite a long time. Less diaphragm support, too much pressure on my vocal chord. She gave me some practical exercises, which could train my abdominal muscle how to loose it properly. I have been always hold it after saying one sentence for example. That gives extra work for our vocal chord. Laughing and coughing also have to be done with proper way, so that we do not restrain our little tiny friend down there. And just for you to know, the size of our vocal chord/vocal folds is just as thin as our finger nails. Check this video out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYpDwhpILkQ

Here is a link about how important speech therapy is, especially for singers: http://www.thesingersresource.com/vocal_health_1.htm

Thus, because of all these things happened, I had to drop many things and do proper vocal rest for about 1 month. I just started singing yesterday, after more than one month being quiet and speaking in a correct way. I feel brand new and the most important thing, I am now mature enough to say NO to what I should not do, say NO to stuff/events that does not bring advantage to me. I would rather safe my energy for something that really worth, and focus merely on less things to get the best out of them. It is all about quality, not quantity.

“Congratulations for your WISDOM”, said Rudolf Jansen, my lied duo coach to me after I decided to withdraw myself from a very important international song competition in Europe. I do regret it, but I have learned something more. Better preparation, focus on few things, and rest enough would be on my top goals chart this year.I guess my tiny friend down there in my throat has forgiven me for my mistakes. Now, time to redeem myself with loving my own vocal chord much more. I promise to guard you with my life! Love you so much, dear tiny precious friend!

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